EIRON's ARCHIVES
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Our
restaurant and theatre pundit Eiron Foyer responds to your technical
and scientific queries :
Eiron is paid. . . . . [ remember ? Ed. ] to answer a selection of your queries on a regular [ remember ? Ed. ] basis.
You can send a question via our contact form.
Dear e55pression
You ask “how to modify roses to make them glow in the dark”. There are a number of ways of doing this. I shall describe two for you.
I suspect that you may be thinking about the genetic modification route - the technique involves transplanting genes from naturally occurring luminescent animals – say algae or jellyfish – into your organism of choice. ( you may have seen the famous ‘glowing mice’ ) Unfortunately, although technically fairly straightforward it should, with respect, most definitely not be attempted by novices, such as yourself.
The second, less hazardous, method would be to somehow systemically inject luminescent material into the plant. Florists frequently use a similar technique to produce outlandish colours in their wares. In this case, one simply stands a flower in a container of water laced with the appropriate dye. If you were to try this with a phosphorescent or luminous chemical of some kind you may have limited success, at least in the short term. It must be said though, that the roses may not be completely overjoyed to submit to your tamperings.
Without wishing to discourage you in your scientific research, can you not think of any other ways of extrapolating your joie de vivre ? I am reminded of the famous quote by Rodin, who believed that any artist who tried to improve upon nature by adding “ green to the springtime, rose to the sunrise, carmine to the young lips, creates ugliness – because he lies ”
Nothing personal.
Dear KayToneUnderLyme
Yes, I too have also noticed a lot of gripings in the media about the latest ‘round the world’ yacht race.
The complaints centre about the definition of ‘around’. The route taken by the latest attemptee, was it has to be said, far from straight. But then it would be wouldn’t it ?
With the use of this helpful graphic which I have had produced, at my own expence, from Lithoplottage (S.A.) , Zurich ( invoice attached) , you will immediately be able to see that there is no ‘straight’ route ‘around the world’, except for a very thin band which passes between Cape Horn and Antarctica.
Bearing in mind that this route would be very much shorter than the circumference of the Earth at the equator, I’m sure you would agree that it could not possibly be considered a ‘round the world trip’ in the usual sense of the phrase. Indeed, though impressive, and no doubt arduous, it would amount to little more than a circumnavigation of Antarctica.
No doubt someone will attempt it soon.
[ I think you’ll find it’s already been done many times – but there’s no prize.
p.s. sorry we can’t reimburse you. Ed. ]
Dear Hobb_6_flat
Hobb_6_flat writes in with an enlightening statement rather than a question. He/she points out that old chewing-gum can easily be re-invigorated by mixing it with a little toothpaste. How refreshing. I must point out though that chewing-gum ( the noun and the gerund verb ) is far from appreciated in many parts of the world. For instance in Singapore, where its public use is prohibited by law.
The country has recently reformed the legislation though, to exempt chewers who need to use it for medical purposes. Specifically, those who are trying to give up smoking by the use of nicotine-laced gum.
It occurred to me that we could widen Hobb_6_flat’s observation by postulating the notion that spent nicotine gum may also be revived by mixing it with a little cigarette tobacco ?
The idea is purely theoretical at the moment, and I would strongly discourage anyone from trying it before more research is carried out. Perhaps Hobb_6_flat would like to volunteer ?
Dear Lufthez_M.
You enquire whether 2',4'-dihydroxy-6-methoxy-3',5'-dimethylchalcone is likely to inhibit KDR tyrosine kinase phosphorylation.
Before I answer your question, I’m sure that my editor will appreciate if I make a general observation about such queries. Whilst I respect and value your interest in the subject of pharmacology, and am greatly flattered by the implication that you think I may be able to enlighten you, it’s my duty to maintain this column in such a way as it may be stimulating to the general reader.
In that light, I should like to throw out a two-part rhetorical counter-question –
1) How many people, aside from yourself, do you think may be interested in the answer ?
2) Furthermore, what percentage of the people who are interested will be likely to read this column ?
When you have mentally extrapolated the two logical statements above, perhaps you will [ deleted ] for me, would you ?
By the way, the answer is ‘Yes’.
Dear PTWelsh02
A UK resident contacted me with the query : ‘I am thinking of starting a family, does Britain have any poisonous creatures I should be aware of ? ’.
Normally, confronted with a question this common, I would point you in the direction of the nearest encyclopaedia or prompt you to visit the local library ( if you still have one ) - and look it up.
I will refrain on this occasion though – because the answer you will find in the reference works will be wrong. Invariably, you will be informed that the Adder is the UK’s only poisonous creature – it is not. They are overlooking, for example, the common honeybee.
Although a sting from a bee is ( to most people at least ) just a minor inconvenience, I would like to point out that contemporaneous stings from many very determined bees is a very different matter indeed.
I can vouch this from personal experience, I was once viciously attacked by a swarm on a visit to the UK. [ Errrr. . . Who was visiting, you or the bees ? Ed. ] I was attempting to examine a mediaeval gargoyle atop St. Davids cathedral. The bees were evidently of the erroneous opinion that I was bent on destruction of their impromptu hive. I must tell you that I was very lucky to escape the ordeal alive, bearing in mind the very significant danger of multiple bee-venom injections ( compounded, on this occasion, by a great height ).
The point I am labouring somewhat to make is this. When mildly poisonous creatures gather together in sufficient numbers, and have one common goal in mind – then the combined result can be very much more dangerous than one lone attacker – even when that individual is quite severely toxic.
That reminds me – I think there will shortly be an important government
election coming up in Britain – don’t forget to vote.
Dear Karlo60120
Your query has caused me to ponder a great deal, and I shall answer it in the best way that I can. Yes, on one level it is true that a bottle of Château Haut Brion Pessac-Léognan 1982 is “just a blend of chemicals” and therefore not worthy of the great respect which wine lovers across the globe afford to it.
Using the same philosophical yardstick, we may also say that Picasso’s
Garçon à la pipe is just a blend of oilpaint, and that Beethoven’s
piano sonata number 14 in C sharp minor is just a blend of audible
airborne vibrations. Continuing the logic though, I must point out that
your e-mailed question is just a blend of letters on my monitor screen
and therefore I shall reluctantly have to ignore them.
Dear Dizzee_wasp
At last a questioner with whom I can at least partially empathise ! Yes, the ‘lemon grass’ which is commonly used in far-eastern cookery and the ‘citronella’ of mosquito repellent are one and the same - as you correctly surmised. In answer to your query though, I would not consider it wise to use your ‘Mosie Guard ’ as a flavouring in your culinary experiments – even though you are 'stranded in the outback' near Darwin Australia – where, as you rightly point out – you are somewhat unlikely to come across a supply of fresh lemongrass in your local ‘tucker-shop’.
Indonesia is only a short air-hop away, have you considered emigration to a country which hosts a wealth of centuries-old exotic, expansive and wonderful cuisine - or would you prefer to stay where you are and become a connoisseur of egg-on-fried-bread and lager ?
Dear Plaquescratcher
Sorry to say that I have no interest whatever in your plans to write a book about used-teabag recycling. Though admirable in its intent, and highly topical too, I must point out that used teabags are only one of a myriad of different articles which could perhaps benefit from recycling regimes. Take for example old biros, used clingfilm, spent matches, the stubble collected by electric razors – the list is endless.
The problem is, when it boils down to it, do we have the time, the energy, the inclination, or even the duty to recycle every seemingly useless [deleted] article which we get through during our everyday existence ? Like books on teabags.
Dear Frodo25kitty
No, do not under any circumstances use creosote. I will not be guilty of exaggeration if I say that will not in any way be efficacious - if not downright dangerous.
I suggest you contact one of the specialist shops which can be found in almost every seaport across the world.
Dear Napth0101d
May I first of all say that I have, I believe, heard all possible convolutions of 'joke' about the rings around 'the 7th planet from the Sun'. Yours was not in any way remarkable, except in its exceptional degree of conformity with the norm. You should not, however, entirely abandon your attempts at humour – have you thought about a career in local government ?
Notwithstanding the foregoing, I think I may be of assistance with regard to your insightful question ‘Why are all the planets spheres ?‘ ( I hope you won’t mind that I have substituted the word ‘spheres’ for the one which you used ).
The answer is – they’re not. Even our Earth is not spherical. Apart from the fact that there are very evident non-trivial irregularities ( there is almost a 20Km difference between the loftiness of the towering Himalayas and the profundities of the abysmal Mariana trench ) we may also observe that the planet is quite severely compressed at the poles. Or perhaps, more accurately, rather expanded in the midriff – not surprisingly given its age ! ( Ha ! d’you see ? That is how to construct a proper joke ! ).
All the Sun’s planets are similarly deformed to a greater or lesser extent. And, as for the asteroids – Well ! I need hardly point out that many are so misshapen as to make an average King Edward’s potato look like one of Kapoor’s attempts at ‘sculpture’ !
Dear Plank7_lee
Allow me a brief panegyrisation.
It was Galileo who famously remarked “ Wine is sunlight held together by water ”. Goodness knows, a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then ! – but his amaranthine pronouncement still holds good today. Of course it’s not strictly precise in the scientific sense – but, countenanced in a poetic modality, I think you will agree that it tells us all we need to know.
With regard to the exact detail of your question however : I regard plastic ( ethylene vinyl acetate ) corks with the same degree of enthusiasm and respect as I afford to the recently re-elected ‘Administration’.
Dear Protonechasmic
One of the joys of working for this venerable organ is that one just never knows what will turn up next – query-wise.
So when I received your question about ‘chapati head-dresses’ I was, to say the least, temporarily discombobulated.
As far as I know – which is not far, given the subject – the ‘chapati’ is a large Indian flat bread made from durum wheat, salt, and water. If prepared correctly, it’s not a ‘hard’ bread – quite the reverse in fact. So, I suppose – given an ample stretch of imagination – it could conceivably be fashioned into some sort of headwear.
Technically though ( hah ! get out of that one Ed ! ) I am only permitted to answer questions of a scientific nature in this column – and, try as I might, I have been unable to ‘peg’ as we journalists say, your query. Thus, I fear my answer cannot proceed further than to wish you good luck on your quest.
I would, however, like to point out a scientific conundrum on a ( vaguely ) similar subject. Richard Feynman , the Nobel Prize winning physicist, famously spent several months trying to find out why a stick of spaghetti tends to break into three pieces rather than two when stressed between the two hands. I have also discovered an anomaly which, I believe, deserves a similar high-powered investigation :
Try this. Procure a freshly baked poppadom from your local Indian restaurant. Place it on a flat plate and then jab your forefinger into the centre so as to break the crispy savoury delight into several pieces. You will observe, I think I can say virtually without exception, that one piece at least will have an almost perfect outline of a map of India.
Why ?
I know it sounds farfetched. Just try it for me will you ?
Dear Raj1996
Raj, who is eight years old, writes to enquire ‘Why can’t humans fly ?’
Before any of our more senior readers dismiss the question as facile, I should like to point out that it has deep implications.
Firstly Raj, I can answer you simply thus: gravity is too strong, and we are too big.
If gravity was very much weaker, then we wouldn’t exist here on Earth – for reasons which are considerably too complicated to go into here. If, however, we happened to be about the same size as the only mammal which can be considered to be truly capable of flight – the bat – then it would be possible ( though very arduous ) for us to take wing.
I’d like to expand your excellent question a little, if I may be permitted, to ask ‘ What would be the consequences if we could fly ?’ Here are a few of my considerations – some positive – some negative.
1) Buildings wouldn’t need lifts [ elevators ]. There would be external doors on all floors of high buildings.
2) Mountaineering would be far less popular, although, ironically, jumping off mountains would be far more popular.
3) There would be all manner of abominable airborne combat-sports – aimed at disabling one’s 'opponent' in mid flight.
4) Electricity pylons and their associated high-tension cables would be illegal.
5) Estate agents would no longer use the word 'secluded'.
6) Hospital casualty depeartments would be much busier ( especially after ‘closing time’ )
I do recommend Raj, that if your aviational leanings are of a serious nature,
you should avail yourself of some of the many superb mechanical assistance
devices which are on the market. Airbus and Boeing both
manufacture very reliable versions, which are generally available on a very
reasonable short-term rental basis through various brokers.
Dear Amber12tig
My editor probably won’t thank me for responding to your query due to its ‘non-technical’ nature. I believe, however, that we may contexturalise the intrinsic nature of sauce-making within the realms of science rather than art.
Some would countenance, perhaps, the possibility that the chef may bring his or her own ‘magic’ ( if that is no too fanciful a concept ) to their sauces – but I would like to brush away notions of ‘alchemy’ and invoke instead an ethos of instrumentality.
You see, a fine Bechamel or perhaps a Nuoc Cham is something that a great chef can make again and again without fault. ‘Reproducibility’ is, of course, a cornerstone of the 'scientific method' – you may perceive where I am headed with this line of thought . . .
Here is my recipe for Nepalese Sekuwa
100ml Nepalese yoghurt
5ml lime juice ( not lemon under any circumstances )
10ml mustard oil
2.4 cm. fresh ginger root
50ml onions, roughly chopped
10ml cumin seeds
12.5ml spring onions, cut in 2.4 cm. lengths
5ml coriander seeds
2.5ml turmeric powder
2.5ml peppercorns ( ideally Szechwan )
2 large cloves garlic ( if you can’t find Nepalese garlic, French will
suffice )
5ml fresh dill (finely chopped)
50cmlcelery ( chopped)
5ml soy sauce ( tamari if poss. )
3 fresh red chillis ( med hot ) ( include seeds )
It never fails. I’ll leave it up to you to find the most comfortable and appropriate method of combining the ingredients – ( except – do not use an electric blender – that would obviously be a travesty )
[ Very amusing. No more recipes please. Ed. ]
Dear Naz0too
You enquired as to the RGB value for ‘pizza crust’. ( for the non-technical, RGB simply means the relative levels of Red Green Blue – in other words, the reader would like to know what colour pizza crust is )
I regret to have to inform you that there is no strict value I can provide. You see, pizza bases vary enormously depending on the dough and the degree of baking etc etc. What I can do, is give you a range of RGB values which, I find, in general, serve admirably.
The lighter parts of the crust will normally be around
RGB
240,234,194,
while the darkest may be perhaps
RGB 40,18,12. ( darker if burnt )
In the mid range we have
RGB 137,93,42.
I have attached a colour scale which I hope will assist.
Without wishing to jettison notions of intrinsic germaneness with regard to your query, I feel obliged to point out that any normal person would perhaps have asked –
1) Why you need to know.
2) Why you didn’t have look for yourself.
You will notice, I trust, that I have enquired of neither.
Dear Bonooboo
I detect a note of sarcasm in your question as to whether I can deduce, by scientific means, the winner of the imminent presidential election. The answer is, absolutely, yes, I can. It is determined by the following computational method.
Firstly we ‘feed’ our algorithm with the requisite factors. These factors could be, for example, some, any, all, and more, or not, of the following : ( in no particular order )
The level of disgruntlement of the population with the incumbent.
The possibilities ( or not ) for electoral fraud – ( a.k.a. vote rigging )
The fiscal solidity of the participants family background ( three retrospective generations should suffice )
The liquid sums available for PR related activities ( a.k.a. propaganda )
Etc etc etc
Each of the factors is then ‘weighted’ according to its current importance. ( In the past, we used to employ a ‘sigmoid ’ weighting curve, but now have moved over to a more sophisticated technique ; co-incidentally, and perhaps somewhat amusingly, called the ‘competing governors ’ method. )
The factors, and their relevant weightings, are then auto-crosslinked using a multiple-route positive and negative feedback network - a technique which we have called algorithmic rhizotaxis.
The programme is then left to run.
You may be interested to learn that the process does not require a gargantuan computer system – in fact, an ordinary desktop machine will complete the task in under two hours. This extraordinary efficiency is achieved by elegant software design rather than the more usual ‘brute force’ iterative approach.
The result, which I can guarantee with almost 100% accuracy, is that the winner will be . . .
The one from the ‘quasi-aristocratic’ family background who went to Yale and is a member of the Skull and Bones club.
If I am wrong ( which I won’t be ) I pledge that I will auction-off my entire collection of peruvian Aguaruna nicotine syringes – and donate the proceedings to a charity of your choice.
Update: Aaron's tech-assisted hunch proved to
be entirely correct, and therefore he won't be auctioning his precious collection. Ed.
Dear SkataDude13
You enquired ; “So howcome ships for example cruise and tankers ships are made of iron howcome they can float ? ”.
The answer is perfectly straightforward. Forget all that buffoonery about ‘displacement’ and ‘density’ first put about by those narrow minded ancient Greeks. Iron ships float because they are full of air. If you were unfortunate enough to be accommodated in an iron ship filled with water – you would, I fear, soon be enjoying a fish supper with Amphitrite ( another ancient [deleted ] Greek ).
So that’s ' howcome '.
Dear inoxiDave
A few years ago, I was promenading with some friends at a riverside venue in central London. It so happened, that at one point on our sojourn, we passed by a very large stainless-steel sculpture – no doubt commissioned by the local council in a vain attempt to shake off their somewhat philistinic image. I ventured to enquire, of my colleague’s seven year old daughter, what she thought of the artwork. Her reply – without a moment’s hesitation - was “It’s a waste of spoons ”. . .
And your self-made computer programme which you kindly sent to me is a “Waste of bytes”. 2.85 million of them in fact. While I find it admirable that you have managed to teach yourself C++ ( whatever that is ), I cannot – even by stretching my capacious imagination to its very limits – conceive of any reason why anyone would wish to catalogue their musical CD collection by filesize instead of by artist, title, or genre.
Although I have absolutely no intention of testing your wretched .exe file, I will take it at your word that it performs the ‘filesize indexing function’ flawlessly. My advice would be to post it to one or other of the innumerable ‘shareware’ bartering sites on the www. You will probably make a fortune.
Dear 22_zephyr_battler.
I am deeply flattered that you have seen fit to put my name forward to the Worshipful Company of Viticulturists ; but, if I may be permitted to explain -
As you may be aware, I spent several years in the investigation of the possibility of growing grapevines in controlled climatic indoor conditions. In Ireland to be precise. To cut a very long story short the project was a failure. Although we developed some interesting new techniques, including the use of molasses ( 0.5Kg / sq. Mtr ) to artificially enhance the fructose content, we eventually came to realise that the vine simply cannot be constrained in this way and remain happy. Even Guyot's pruning and Žpamprage cannot recompense.
We belatedly realised that the vine is a truly complex being, with needs and aspirations far beyond our current supply capabilities. The vine strives to be free, to ‘see’ if that’s not too fanciful a concept, the open horizons, the sky, the changing meteorological conditions, and of course the landscape. Constraint in a man-made ‘shed’, however well thought-out and constructed, will leave the vine, in a word, unhappy.
And, as I am sure I have no need to tell you, an unhappy vine can only produce unhappy grapes – which will, and I can now say this without the slightest doubt - produce an unhappy wine.
Who, in all conscience, would wish to promulgate infelicitousness upon the world with such a potion? A wine with undertones, if not overtones, of constraint, myopia, and artificiality ? It is true that the great majority of wine drinkers may not have the exquisitely tuned palate required to perceive these latent properties – but that is not the point – no-one of sound virtues could allow such a concoction to be produced under their stewardship.
In hindsight, I now consider that my exploration in the field of indoor viniculture – however well meaning at the time – was, in fact, a crime against the 'personality' of the genus Vitis. I regret, therefore, that I must turn down your kind offer.
I wouldn’t mind one of those aprons though, if you have a spare.
Dear flat&underscore3317
It’s timely that you should enquire as to my views on the pressing problem of the UK’s rapidly expanding prison population, as I have been resolutely pondering the matter of late – I offer the following solution.
It's somewhat radical , so take a deep breath.
It is currently estimated that each one of the present incumbents of Her Majesty’s penal institutions costs the UK taxpayer around £30,000 per year, considerably more than the wages that a working person may expect to gain in a low-level menial job, but basic mathematics shows that if the government were to pay the criminal, say £20K, to stay out of prison, on the solemn condition, of course, that he/ she would promise to commit no further crimes, then the authorities, and thus the taxpayers, would save a great deal of money, although without wishing to be overly pessimistic, we should obviously bear in mind that a certain proportion of the n'er’do’wells would undoubtedly renegue on their promise, and so we would need a backup strategy, which would perforce have to be severe enough to discourage all but the most determined of scallywags, to whit I propose, as a last resort, deportation to Howard Island, 80Km off the northeast coast of Australia, which would be preferable surely to a very expensive, and perhaps very long and tedious unproductive . . . . sentence ?
And relax . . .
[ we’ve already made the Howard Island ‘joke’,
archives, Oct 03. Ed.]
Dear Rhodoandron
Newly refreshed, it is with the greatest delight that I undertake to endeavour to try to manage to elucidate for you the subject of - ‘nano’.
‘Nano’ comes between ‘micro’ ( very small ), and ‘pico’ ( astonishingly tiny ), – so ‘nano’ must, and does, clearly, mean, extremely very minute. I believe though, that we should carefully beware of overuse of the ‘nano’ prefix - because so doing may well lead to a devaluation in the concept of smallness.
Somehow, we managed, before nanophily became fashionable, to describe diminutive objects, such as bacteria, fungal spores, and radiolaria etcetera without having to imbue them with this ephemeral quasi-occult property ‘nano-ism ’ that is so ubiquitously prevalent today.
They were just small things.
As you will be aware, I am an ardent supporter of reductio ad absurdum , and therefore I would suggest that it would be tiresome in the extreme, would it not, if we were to label every very large object with the prefix ‘mega’ or even worse ‘giga ’ ? So, a new estuary crossing would become a ‘gigabridge’. A new office building a ‘gigablock’. A political gathering a ‘gigarally ’ and so on and so on.
All the foregoing is compounded, of course, by the simple truth that ‘size’ is, de facto, a relative measurement, thus rendering meaningless any man-made conceits regarding ‘classes’ of size. It’s merely a sliding scale, a vector, from the quantum vacuum at one end to the entire universe at the other.
We must shrug off these awkward and constraining ‘power-of-ten’ anthropocentric anachronisms and leave them behind with their inventors, the ancient Greeks. Hope that clears it up for you.
In answer to your supplemental query, 500mg twice a day at the very most.
Dear Malchato
I don’t know how many transistors there in your new processor. Why don’t you purchase a microscope and try counting them ?
You will, of course, first have to remove the chip’s protective casing ( usually ceramic in nature ) without damaging the internal silicon wafer. I would suggest that a local university’s geology department may be able to provide you with the chemicals suitable for dissolving ceramics. If you are extremely careful, the device may still function afterwards, but you’ll have to operate your computer in a darkened room, as photons can interfere with the exposed semiconductor's normal function. P.S. Wear rubber gloves.
Dear FeckTheEd.
I am only allowed to discuss technical and scientific matters in this column apparently, and so I shall endeavour to appraise – purely from a scientific viewpoint you understand, last night’s rendition of Schniztler’s - Der Reigen, at my favourite ‘Ciba’ theatre at Lucerne, overlooking lake Geneva.
I shan’t hesitate to give it four stars. That’s ****. Four asterisks to you dear magazine and readers ! Ha ! no-one has the faintest idea what I’m talking about do they ? ( Purely from a scientific viewpoint you understand . . . )
As ever to the question. This time, the riveting ‘Is a grape a vegetable or a fruit ?’
Well, yes and no. Some researchers define a vegetable as ‘any living thing which relies on chlorophyll to survive’. On the other hand, a grape is, of course, a plant-based seed-bearing container, and so is undoubtedly fruitish.
If I were you I wouldn’t concern yourself ovally.
[ A. are you still taking the medication ? ring
me , we can sort it out. Ed. ]
Dear troutstream48
As soon as I saw your postscript ‘Manners Makyth Man ’ I knew that we would share common intellectual ground ! So let us get the technical trivialities out of the way before we proceed.
Yes, the outer husk of the cashew nut is indeed poisonous. The nut inside is not of course, although some people can show severe allergic reactions to it. The fruit itself, which is, very unusually, attached underneath the nut’s husk, is edible, and contains large quantities of vitamin C. Some people simply adore its flavour – personally though, I find it somewhat acrid.
Now, if I may suggest, have you considered an offshore account in Andorra ? It may well suit your needs. You could perhaps set up a so called ‘letter-box’ company to act as a subsidiary to your UK interests. If skilfully managed, you should find that your exposure to H.M.’s I.R. is substantially minimised – if not entirely eliminated !
If you care to contact me again I can put you in touch with my cousin, who has just married one of the Urgel bunch ! He knows all about this kind of thing.
[ A, stick to sci/tech please, Ed. ]
Dear Rumenescent-gascloud
My advice to you would be to stop thinking about infinity. It will just cause you mental fatigue, and I can ( almost ) guarantee it will get you nowhere. The hackneyed old example which you cite - ‘given an infinite time, would a troupe of monkeys with typewriters eventually type the entire works of Shakespeare ’ – misses the point. Yes, of course they would – but they’d all have to finish at the same time, and someone would have to collect the folios right then – otherwise they’d be certain to rip all the paper to shreds, and would have to start again.
It’s somewhat reminiscent of those famous ‘life forms from primordial soup’ experiments which ‘proved’ that amino acids – the basic building blocks of protein, and so life itself, – could be formed in a tank with some methane, water, ammonia and which was bombarded with ultra violet light and electrical discharges. The experiments were supposedly trying to simulate conditions on a very young Earth. It’s commonly overlooked though, that when the amino acids formed, the experiment was promptly terminated – if it had been left to run, the intense ultra violet radiation would have undone everything rather pronto one suspects.
Having said that, the concept of infinity isn’t overthrown by the foregoing. It’s simply that we may have to wait considerably longer than expected for satisfactory results.
In other words, infinity will have to be very much larger than previously anticipated.
By the way, your e-mail ‘handle’ is quite appalling – unless,
that is, you’ve invented an entirely new branch of science - veterinary
astronomy – in which case you have my apologies.
Dear 357&deamon
Thank you for sending me the ‘elongated cuboid structure’ which apparently fell from the sky and stove in the roof of your car recently.
Like yourself, I am a great admirer of Arthur C. Clarke, but I have to say that the chances of the object being a monolithic communication device from another galaxy are somewhat remote.
I’ve been trying to piece together clues as to the possible origin of the object – which appears to be some kind of ceramic. I did note, however, from your address, that you are resident in a large block of flats located on what I believe is called a ‘council estate’ in Mosside, Manchester UK.
I am returning the object to you, and my suggestion is that you keep it
- as an enigmatic curio. To preserve its mystery, I would advise against
sending it to any other authorities for identification. Some unromantic boffin
somewhere might mistakenly tell you it’s a house brick.
Dear scargoyle77
Yes, there are a number of companies producing tablets which contain ‘Polyphenols’ – the active ingredients which have been identified in red wine as powerful antioxidants. Specifically Trans-3,5,4'-trihydroxystilbene, also known as Resveratrol. ( It’s also found in Giant Knotweed, which as you may imagine, is quite a bit cheaper than a decent Labrusca, and so has suddenly become extremely popular with ‘supplement’ manufacturers ).
Whether or not the tablets would help to prolong the life about which you appear to be complaining, I couldn’t say. I can assure you though, that if you use them in place of a perspicacious intake of a suitably harmonious red - it will seem longer . . .
As Shakespeare put it :
Wine, Wine Wine ! ( First Servingman , Act 4, Scene 5, Coriolanus )
Dear Schopenhauersleftbank
Various European Governments have implemented schemes, in their drive to – ahem ! - ‘empower stakeholders’, so that you automatically have the right to ‘sell’ any electricity, which you generate, back to the grid. And yes, I see no reason why this strategy shouldn’t also apply to the other ‘utilities’, such as gas and water.
With regard to your query though, I’m unclear how it could be that
your household is ‘generating water’. My only guess is that you
are making far too many trips to your local hostelry than can be good for
your health.
Dear plexigloo24
One of the problems with this engagement is that I’m constantly asked the same questions. I have come to thoroughly sympathise with celebrities who get agitated with queries like “ So Paul, did you and John write the songs together, or did you write them separately ?”.
But we all have our cross to bear don’t we ? When I was in Equatorial New Guinea we had a motto which was “Mbeckamba dingwe beza n’koto” which loosely translates as : ‘Your donkey works harder than you do’. And so – to work.
Yes, you are entirely correct in assuming that the Earth has a core which is liquid. In fact, our planet Earth is almost entirely molten. The wonderful Science Museum in London has a figurative example in the form of a football. A postage stamp is affixed to its surface, and the exhibit text reads “If our planet were this size, the Earth’s crust would be the same thickness as this postage stamp”
So you see, we are not entirely dissimilar to Gerris Lacustris. That’s the Common Pondskater – as I’m sure you knew. If we could interview such an insect, I’m sure we’d find that they firmly believe that the surface of their pond is a solid as granite. As evidence, they could cite the fact that in the whole history of pondskater-dom , not one individual has ever fallen through the surface.
So, there you have it. You need not concern yourself about falling through the crust.
p.s. If you do, ask your next of kin to write and let me know, and I’ll
make a donation to the Pondlife Protection Society.
Dear Elastopragmatist
I’m disturbed to learn that you are still waiting to receive your new ‘software patch’ . Especially as it is, apparently, a fix for the previous two patches – which, although fully addressing a newly discovered firewall encumbrance, unfortunately introduced a new security vulnerability.
It’s not easy I know, but I suggest that it may be less frustrating
if you were to change professions. A friend is opening a duvet franchise
in Riyadh if you’re interested.
Dear &&%flanngernaught23
In the old days, when I saw a particularly arrant example of a dumbed-down-to-the-gutter TV advertisement – I was apt to become a trifle despondent. This was because I had surmised that - after several decades of meticulous fine-tuning and demographic focus-group profiling – the 'Huge Ad Agencies of the World' had discovered, despite all hopes to the contrary, that the general population had the IQ of molluscs and should be treated as such.
Not a happy concept I think you’ll agree.
Then ‘pop-ups’ arrived. As you point out in your query, everyone ( as you say, ‘every last damn one’ ) hates them. All they serve to do is irritate the bejayzuz out of any web-using person who has more than seven operable neurones.
That is when I awoke to the conclusion that – all along – the 'Huge Ad Agencies of the World' – did not, in fact, have the faintest idea about what people like or dislike. They appear to inhabit that make-believe city in the air, first conjured up by the ancient Greek satirical dramatist Aristophanes – the municipality known as 'Cloud-Cuckoo Land' .
Suddenly everything was clear. Our planet is not, entirely populated by simpletons, dimwits and nincompoops, as the 'Huge Ad Agencies of the World' seem to believe. For it is they, the perpetrators of these infernal devices, who are cast adrift on the Sea of Amentia. I do hope that lightens the burden for you.
p.s. Use the excellent ‘Firefox’ web-browser and it will block all the pop-ups for you.
Dear Pangbournerailwaystation
I had never before pondered the conundrum which you pose. Thank you for pointing out the enigma regarding the fact that you can watch a black-and-white film on a colour television, but you cannot watch a colour film on a black-and white TV. ( not in colour anyway ). It is precisely this type of logical paradox which kept Bertrand Russell busy for so many years.
He frequently started his day staring at a blank piece of white paper, and then found it was seven’o’clock in the evening – and he had not written one single word of logical analysis.
To clear his mind, he took to walking on the local common of a night-time. Ultimately, it didn’t help him fathom his logical problems, but he did learn the three different calls of the night-jar – whereas most people only know one.
http://www.sunysb.edu/philosophy/
Anyway, I think I have a solution to your supplementary question regarding the outrageously high price of LCD flat-screen panel televisions . . .
Just knock a TV-sized hole in your living room wall – then slide in
the TV up to the screen level - and cement it in ! All your friends and neighbours
will think you have a modern flat screen model !
Dear Nocebo,
Three bottles a day ? Are you out of your mind ? Half is more than enough for me ! But to turn to your comment : Yes, I can imagine that it would be very irritating, and many other doctors have written in to tell me about this bug. ( Personally, I don’t use ‘Word97’ – preferring to stick to my trusty BBC Micro thank you.) For any non medical readers, here is an outline of the problem . . .
It concerns typing the name of any new syndrome which ends in the suffix ' -itis '. As an example, if you try to type, say, Blair-itis, it will unhelpfully be changed to Blair-it is . Similarly, God-itis will automorph into God-it is. Etc Etc.
The bug is, of course, known as Word-it is. Sadly, I am not aware
of any cure.
Dear Eco-nomizer
Your query, though at first glance a trifle frivolous – deserves an answer. In this day and age, you are right to be concerned about the electrical power which your computer consumes. And, yes, the amount of electricity it uses does vary according to what is on screen.
All images are, of course, stored in digital format whilst in the computer’s random access memory. ( RAM ). A white pixel is stored as a string of three bytes, each of which is 11111111 in binary. ( That corresponds to a numeric value of RGB 255,255,255 )
Think of each memory location as a tiny battery. A binary value of ‘1’ is stored in the memory as a ‘pool’ of electrons, whereas, in a binary ‘0’ the memory location is discharged. Each of these locations needs thousands of electrons to remain in the charged state, and, to make matters worse, needs to be ‘refreshed (re-charged) every few millionths of a second !
As you can see then, an image ( or a web page background ) with large areas of white, will, in fact, be using zillions more electrons than a darker image. So your hunch was entirely correct !
So, help to save the planet, do not visit any websites which have white
backgrounds.
comment: Some readers have pointed out that the computer monitor also uses more current rendering lighter areas of the screen than darker areas. Ed.
Dear ‘ThedrumsThedrums’,
SiliCON is an element. Derivatives are – sand, amethysts and mica. On the other hand, Polyorganosiloxane, also known as SiliCONE, is a useful rubbery substance, much admired in California. SiliCONE is also a good conductor of heat, and is often used to connect the heatsink to a computer’s microprocessor, which of course is fabricated from SiliCON. SiliCONE is also used for gluing together the panes in fishtanks, the glass of which is based on SiliCA or SiO2, an oxide of SiliCON. Hope this clears it up for you.
Dear Topiaristsnightmare
Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that ‘Linux ate your CD dirve.’ The problem is – software - as ever. The best way you can protect your machine from viruses and bugs is to ‘disinfect ‘ your system. I call it the ‘digital Autoclave’ method. I can guarantee with 100% confidence that if you follow my advice, your will never again be troubled with viruses.
Step 1) Firstly, let’s remove the ‘safe haven’ where bugs can hide and reproduce without your knowledge. Unscrew the cover to your hardrive ( it’s a usually a bit tricky, because the screws have special heads, but if you have trouble, just drill them out ). With the cover off, ladle in a teaspoon or so of grinding paste ( you can buy it at any motor-repair store ) – then replace the cover. I’ve never known this to fail at disinfecting the drive.
Step 2) Now we have removed their hiding place, they will have to come out into the open. Which is where we will apply our Coup de Grace. Let’s starve them of the ‘oxygen’ they need to survive – electricity ! With the power-cord to your machine removed ( don’t forget that bit ! ) open the main casing of the computer. Then take a pair of cutters , or failing that, a sharp breadknife, and carefully bifurcate ( cut in two ) any exposed wires you can see inside your machine. All of them. Don’t leave even one for that pernicious flow of electrons to resurface.
That’s it ! You will never again be troubled. At least not with that particular machine.
Dear G0WivDaFl0
Yes, quantum computers can store ‘bits’ as 0’s or 1’s at the same time. If you can figure that out, you’re doing better than everyone else is.
Now, if I may, I’d like to say a little about a fabulous new dish which is taking the restaurants of Prague by storm at the moment ! It’s called ‘Crambe ’ and is a fine soufflé made with a wonderful vegetable which I hadn’t, until now, encountered. It’s a relative of asparagus, but has altogether more maritime overtones. If you were to imagine ‘sea asparagus’ you wouldn’t be far off the mark ! It marries contentedly with any game or fowl dishes, and should, if possible be accompanied by a glass of Marcincák ( but failing that any Neuburger will suffice. )
[A. You're drifting off-brief again. Ed.]
Dear ‘TwitcherRoyale’
Birdwatchers, or ‘twitchers’ ( I noticed your appropriate pseudonym ) as they are sometimes known, don’t have much editorial space nowadays. Although I’m not involved myself, I have to declare a certain admiration, and very much like your idea for ‘birdcall’ ringtones. You could try approaching mobile manufacturers who, I feel sure, will most be interested.
Because there is no human-being involved in the compositions, there will be no royalties to pay! The soft trillip trillip of the British skylark, the confident greeting of the Brazilian ‘Ben Te Veeee’ or the once heard , never forgotten, boom of the Scottish Capercaille, could all make wonderful contributions. Best of luck.
Dear ‘Catfreak%’
My legal advisors tell me that the word ‘computer’ actually means ‘an object which can be used to compute’ Encompassing a calculator, a pencil and notepad ( if there is an attached human ) , a pile of beans etc etc. The word ‘compute’ itself means ‘to reckon or calculate a number’. I think the compiler of the dictionary had remarkable foresight, or a wicked sense of irony, to use the word ‘reckon’ don’t you ? Perhaps that goes some way to explaining the errors you keep getting.
Dear SyphonicSister,
Yes, there are a number of yearly ‘computer throwing contests’ available for you to enter if you wish. May I suggest you try the well publicised one at the University of Bergen, Norway. Or perhaps the Amsterdam Mac User Group, who also have a yearly competition. If you happen to find yourself in Russia, you may care to visit the town of Krasnoznamensk, which holds an annual competition in a carpark near the outskirts of Moscow. The current record is 17.5 metres, which will take some beating!
Here’s a tip from an insider. A week or so before the competition, arrange that you - ‘upgrade the operating system’ - on your computer. It will probably take you five or six days to get your machine back to a state of half-baked usability, by which time you will have built up a psychological pressure which will easily add 25% to your throwing efforts. Good luck!
Dear ‘pinjockey’
No more than three of four hundred metres, at best. Now, I know it’s not really pertinent to your question, but I feel I must take the opportunity to tell everyone about the stunning performance of Schoenberg’s ‘Das Buch der hängenden Gärten’ at the much underrated ‘Ciba ’ theatre at Lucerne, overlooking lake Geneva, at the weekend. His use of ‘Sprechstimme’, caused a sensation amongst the ( I have to say, otherwise a trifle stuffy ) audience. I really do think that his mastery of atonality far exceeds that of Anton von Webern, though others may disagree. Do try and catch it everyone! It’s on until the 19th.
[ A. Can you please stick to the subject ? Ed.]
Dear ‘twelvetonner’
Thank you for testing the idea. Until your efforts, it had not been determined exactly whether the ‘dropping your mobile down a well to check if there is water’ idea, would work in practice. Unfortunately though, your request for compensation cannot be entertained. Have you tried using a magnet and string to retrieve it? If it is any consolation to you, 60,000 mobiles are lost down toilets in the U.K. every year ( source - continentalreaserch.com)
Dear ‘railroad-x-ing’
Damn and blast them to Hades. How can they be so mean-spirited? Just because you downloaded some un-authorised copyrighted work without permission! How were you to know?
I suggest the following defence strategy for your imminent court appearance. In the United Kingdom, it is not an offence to remove the property of another, p r o v i d i n g that you can show that you fully intend to return it to the rightful owner undamaged. Therefore, if your intent was to ‘borrow’ the music in question, and then immediately return it ( undamaged of course ) , it cannot be a case of theft.
Of course, if you ‘broke into’ the server in question, things may become more difficult, in the same way as if you 'broke into' your neighbour’s garage to 'borrow’ his lawnmower. But, providing no damage was done , you should be ok. Send back the file immediately with a thank-you note. I could represent you if you like, but I fear my fees may well exceed the cost of the CD you should have bought.
Dear ‘codebloat’
I can’t tell you how inspiring it was to read the ‘blog’ which you sent me! It was fascinating to know what you had for breakfast this morning and that you still have a hangover – what a nuisance ! Also, I especially liked the picture you had on your site showing the current weather conditions as seen out of your window. It’s a coincidence, but I too have weather visible outside my own window !
If I had a ‘blog’ page, which I don’t, it would probably go something like … “Got up. Logged-on. Found my fav blogsite A1. Then went to A2. Later A3. When I got to blogsite G33 I sent out for a pizza. Then I continued to V55. I was hoping to get to W23, but they were all sooooo interesting I just couldn’t make it. Went to bed, looking forward to a great day blog-reading again tomorrow.” If only we could persuade everyone to blog everyday. Even the dullest, most trivial, self-obsessed, uber-bore has something interesting to say everyday, don’t they?
Dear ‘Ever hopeful’,
No-one could be more pleased than I, to hear that you have developed a romantic attachment to your ‘Mac’. There is too little love in the world, and any addition to the general bonhomie can only be a good thing.
In answer to your question, however, as far as I am aware, there is no country in the world which currently recognises the status of marriage to a machine. Many have campaigned in the past to persuade the legal authorities to broaden the definition of matrimony, with some recent successes, but as of today, there are no special considerations given to cyborg unions of any kind.
It is very unlikely that your computer will ever evolve truly human characteristics, so if perhaps, if I might suggest, you may find that it helps your campaign to first try to compromise in some small way by making yourself more machine-like. You might be advised to investigate the endeavours of professor Kevin Warwick (http://www.kevinwarwick.com ) who has implanted several cyborgial devices into his body. My best wishes to you both.
Dear ‘dograt’
Unless I am mistaken, this is the third time you have written to me, under different names, but on the same subject. I am now able to recognise, at a distance, your charmingly eccentric spelling style. The answer to your observation is – you are wrong. You may be quite correct in pointing out that the weight of the average P.C. can be around 5Kg. But that would be more than ample for it to act as an anchor for a small fishing boat ( cartoon #811 ). As far as small boats are concerned, it is not the weight of their anchor, but the shape which is important. Any object that does not float, and which has a sufficient quantity of sharp edges and corners to snag on undersea rocks will work perfectly well.
By a curious twist, your grasp of nautical matters appears to be at exactly the same level as your grasp of language, perhaps both could be augmented somewhat before you write again.
Dear ‘chaincore’
There could be many reasons why your copy of ‘Quark’ won’t read ‘Photoshop 3.2’ ‘tagged image format’ files. What makes you think I would know ? Why don’t you try and ____________ [contents deleted: Ed.]
Dear ‘amalahey’
No, you as a human being ( I am making an assumption here, I know ) cannot catch a virus from your computer. The reverse, however, is completely possible. You should wear a face-mask at all times while you are using your machine, maybe at other times as well. By the way, thanks for the photo.
Dear ‘noqua@form42’
Oh ye of little faith. Laptop croquet, as it is known, is a recognised sport. I have played it myself many times. The ball is a little smaller, at 80mm, than the regulation 92mm. of the normal ball. Also, the turf on the green must be especially well mown. Perhaps you can ask your groundsman to continually trim yours down to around 8mm. The more often it is cut, the better. ( As the old chestnut goes – mown, mown, mown! ) I have also found that a restrained sprinkling of fine silver-sand helps to speed up the ball roll. The rules are exactly the same as for normal croquet, except that the Finishing Stake is placed at the North Boundary, and ‘roving’ is not allowed. It really is capital fun! Do give it a try!
Dear ‘Chaincore’
Why do you persist in asking me about impenetrable details of your pathetic software? I know nothing of these things, nor wish to. If you were to enquire about the fine wines of Liguria, or upcoming investment opportunities in tobacco futures, I may be of assistance.
Dear R@faced
You must not use your mobile phone whilst driving your automobile. It’s
illegal and dangerous. Furthermore, your efforts to concentrate on driving
may cause you to make an error in your conversation. Just imagine the calamity
if, perchance you were in conclave with your broker and inadvertently said ‘Buy’ when
you meant to say ‘Sell’ – it could cost you thousands!
Don’t phone and drive. Don’t drink and drive. In fact, don’t
drive at all.
Dear ‘Nazz’
Many researchers ( especially, for some reason, the bulk of those employed by telecomms companies ) tend to come to the view that the radiation emitted by mobile telephones is not in the least harmful. However, Her Majesty’s Government recommends that small children do not use the devices for long periods. I should point out that the phones emit much more radiation when transmitting (i.e. when you are talking ) than when receiving. Thus, if you can persuade your young son to only listen to what his friends say, and not reply to any of their questions, he will undoubtedly receive less of a ‘dose’. Having said that, three and a half does seem a bit callow don’t you think?
Dear ‘paranoidelf’
You are completely correct in assuming that ‘They’ know where you are everytime you make a call on your mobile. The country in which you reside has seen fit to introduce laws which insist that 95% of all cellphones must contain chips which locate their position, down to a metres or so, by 2005.
However, ‘They’ only know where you’re phone is – not where ‘you’ are. Your best strategy, therefore, is to separate yourself from your mobile by as much distance as possible. This can be achieved in a number of ways. A small separation, say three metres or so, can be obtained simply with a long earpiece cable, and a thin stick with which to prod the buttons on your phone. You don’t need to buy a long mic cable as well, just shout !
Personally though, I prefer a more substantial distance of several thousand Kilometres. As I have mentioned elsewhere in this column, I keep my mobile at my bank’s vault. It so happens that I tend to use the Bank of Bermuda, ( which is conveniently situated in the main city, Hamilton.) If, on rare occasion, I see fit to make a call, I simply fax the manager there with details of whom I want to call, and what I want to say, he then kindly makes the call on my behalf. What could be simpler ?
Dear ‘notworthy’
You should change your screename to ‘noteworthy’! Your question had me beaten for a while, but I managed to accrue the information you require.
The U.K.’s auction of ‘3G’ bandwidth raised just under £35Billion for ‘Prudence’ Brown. That’s enough to knock 20p off income tax - for everyone - for a year. The lottery was a complex affair, with some hundreds of bidding rounds, sent in by fax. Apparently, some of the ‘winners’ of the auction, like B.T. have been complaining recently that they paid too much ! What uncommonly bad-sports ! Normally when you buy something at an auction, you don’t complain afterwards that you bid too high.
Perhaps they’re miffed at having to fork out for the right to use, what is, after all, just a part of the electromagnetic spectrum. If the argument was taken to it’s absurd extreme, and the frequencies in the bands keep increasing as they have been, the government could end up selling space in the nanometer waveband. In which case, I fully intend to bid for my favourite shade of blue / green. (specifically 26,189,137 RGB )
Dear ‘quail23’
Yes, I do have a mobile phone. Why not do as I do, and keep it safely locked away in your bank’s vaults? You’re absolutely correct in pointing out that theft of mobiles is increasing at an alarming rate. I, for one, have no intention of allowing an uninvited third party to gain access to mine. In reply to your second request, I’m sorry, but I don’t publicise my number. In any event I’d be very unlikely to hear it ring unless I happened to be in the vault at the time.
Dear ‘mostly100sofa’
How right you are! The original telephone could well have been constructed from two seashells ( or coconut shells ) connected by a length of fine liana. However, some researchers feel that it may have been pre-worked animal sinew of some sort. We can only imagine how well such a system would have worked on a large scale – but we shouldn’t forget that it’s primary purpose may not have been long distance conversation, but could have had a religious significance of some kind.
There is some evidence from Maori cave-art that they had envisioned a form of all-communicating web-goddess, which of course rings-true with current technology! What foresight! I’m sure you too were thinking, as I do, of the Norse God Odin’s horse ‘Sleipnir’ who could gallop across the ocean, over land and through the air, just like the electromagnetic waves of today’s telecommunications devices as they cut through the now re-fashionable ether. Can you do lunch sometime?
Dear ‘doigydoig’
I have to disagree with your view that ‘txtng’ constitutes new language. Even if it did, would that be a good thing? Take for instance a good, rounded word like ‘Aeolian’ - translated into ‘txt’ becomes ‘LN’ , hardly an improvement ? Or a passage from the venerable W.S. which would begin ‘2B R NT 2B, THT’S TH ?’ Although there are some languages which do not use any vowels, like Karbardian, I’m personally fond of them, and would H8 2 LS THM THX V MCH.
Dear ‘Craiggem001’
You are a sick puppy and should check-in for psychiatric therapy straight away. I did like your idea about Mr. Blair though.
Dear ‘topiarist’
The Japanese nickname for ‘foreigners’ is ‘gijene’, which loosely translates as ‘barbarian’. The buttons on your Japanese manufactured mobile are not ‘too damn small’. You are too big. It’s unfortunate that you happen to have fingers that resemble a 1Kg pack of pork sausages.
Although a crash diet may remove some of the weight from your flabby digits, if the bone-structure itself is too bulky, then you really do have a problem. Have you tried using the voice-recognition-dialing mode? Unfortunately, the model which you have, the 554-5J, was only manufactured for the Honshu region, so you will, I’m afraid, have to learn Japanese. Hope this helps.
THE END ( or rather the beginning )
The personal opinions of individual columnists do not necessarily reflect the views of Really Magazine Magazine.
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